Friday, September 6, 2013

To Date Or Not To Date

So when my divorce was finalized, the insight of my new-found freedom came rushing up on me like a huge wave in the ocean plowing over me. That alone was a lot to adjust to. But now that I have settled into my new status as a single woman, the next question isn't easy, either. How soon is too soon to start dating again? Timelines can be hard to pilot. Even if my relationship with my ex was off-key for years, I’m worried that eyebrows will lift if I start talking with another guy too soon after the ink dries on my divorce papers. My family and friends, especially my children, can be critical and hurt by my decision to date sooner than they are ready. Yet, I decided that just even THINKING to "get out there" and date was only because I wanted to perceive myself as a strong, fearless woman. And trying to do this I am attempting to face my fears head on. Having my self-esteem battered and beaten, and thinking I’m not capable to withstand rejection, poorliness, and shadiness, I have yet figured out that I have an issue. My failed marriage has taught me a strong lesson. I've been stung pretty viciously by the experience of love lost and possibly finding it again, so I promised myself that I am going to really take the time to heal. To discover and improve who I am without a partner. To accept my losses. To stop being so judgmental towards myself. To comprehend that there is no certainty in life. And that yes, I will love again - and someone will love me as I deserve.

Because the truth of the matter is, it is rough. I want to feel wanted. Loved. Cared for. I miss cuddling. Kissing. Someone who tells me "good night" before turning out the lights. At times, it feels piercing not to have those things, but I know I shouldn’t try to force it before I’m ready. It's important to be okay with sleeping in bed alone. With having a life and an identity of my own. For me to be a whole person before going out there and connecting with someone else. As I see it, dating before I’m healed seems like it will damage my sense of self.  And let's be honest, the trauma of divorce/separation extinguishes your sense of self, along with your hopes and dreams.

I can't tell you how long I would have to wait to do this. My only guess is as long as it takes. I am hoping that if I do, I am going to attract someone who will mirror the love I have for myself  and give them in return.

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