Loyal

Expecting me to be and do the things that I expect of others, is something that’s stopped me from driving myself batty, but it’s also been a really helpful indicator of where I need to step back. In the past, I’ve shown an alarming lack of loyalty to myself while at the same time continuing to engage with certain people out of what I believed at the time were my show of loyalty and devotion. Of course this type of double-edged pledging of allegiance, where you effectively keep throwing you under a bus for someone who isn’t even on the same proverbial road as you or who will throw you back under that said bus because they don’t acknowledge, respect, or even desire that loyalty, is exactly how I ended up feeling deeply compromised and rejected. It would hurt that I could go to those lengths and I still couldn’t change them or get their loyalty.

Don’t mistake being willing to compromise the essence of who you are and even your willingness to endanger your emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual wellbeing, for loyalty and devotion.
Loyalty isn’t the same as not having boundaries and tuning out of shady behaviour and situations.Loyalty, that sense of where we consistently communicate and demonstrate our strong feelings of support, needs a foundation of reality and at the very least, acknowledgement, care, trust, and respect. On both sides.

Loyalty is something that happens over time and with experience. Like trust, it needs to be increased on the basis of supporting evidence, not increased to make up for the decrease in your sense of self or the decrease in their contribution to what should be a mutual relationship, romantic and otherwise. Just as meeting breaches of trust with more trust, is a recipe for pain, so is giving away loyalty without due diligence.

It’s the whole giving out what we want to get back. The trouble is, we confuse what we’re doing with what it actually is. If we’re not being loyal and we’re actually engaging unhealthily, it’s unrealistic to expect that what will be sent back is going to be healthy – that would be to ignore the reality of the situation.

It hurts when we’ve been loyal to someone and they betray us.It hurts when our loyalty is taken for us being a sucker.It hurts when, OK, yes we clearly have some things that we need to address within ourselves but our desire to love and be loved is met with cruelty.It also hurts when we take another person’s betrayal and then we judge ourselves for them having done so.

Loyalty is a decision and the choice and actions to continue need to be conscious ones. As always with anything to do with people-pleasing, it’s not about what we do but why we do it. Being loyal is a great quality – it just needs to be channelled appropriately.

We continue to put forward our brand of loyalty and devotion even when that person is disloyal or just not even there, because we believe that what we’re doing can, will, and should be able to influence that person’s feelings and behaviour. It’s the whole being and doing certain things with an awareness of what we feel that we deserve and then in recognising that it’s not happening, blaming us for not being “good enough” when we really should be asking ourselves, who and what we’re being loyal to. And of course it’s going to provoke our sense of entitlement because realistically speaking, who doesn’t expect a little respect and acknowledgement for their support?

People who need integrity, love, care, trust, respect and the intrinsic value and authenticity of a mutual relationship, don’t reward your loyalty with disrespect, derision, or betrayal. They don’t. If anything, they defend their values and identity with consistent and authentic actions and words because they value what it was that communicated to you and others that support was and is a good investment. They’re also highly unlikely to want be in a situation where you’re doggedly loyal due to lack self-love, because it’s not love.

Being loyal is a quality that you should value, both within you and others, but don’t mix it up with servitude (being completely subject to someone more powerful) and investing you in dodgy activities as a means of avoiding dealing with yourself.If you’re getting hurt by your loyalty and devotion to someone, it’s time to acknowledge that you do rightly expect to be respected and acknowledged, but this is not the situation or the person where that is happening.

Was it one-sided? Sometimes you can be so busy being loyal and essentially overcompensating for the other party, that you don’t realise how little they actually do in your relationship until you actually have a need and you’re left hanging.

Embrace and channel your ability to be loyal in a positive way. Giving your loyalty to people who don’t know their arse from their elbow, is a misappropriation of this quality and the beauty you have within to feel connected with people. Ultimately, loyalty starts at home. Don’t go giving it away until you know that you unquestionably have your own back.

Count Your Blessings

Challenges, trials, tribulations are nothing but another day for me. My faith has been tested repeatedly along with my patience. Today was a big trial for me to overcome. I made the decision a few weeks ago to not search for other solutions to a problem of mine. After a a couple months of opinions I moved forward with a very complicated decision of my own. (Yes I'm being very vague) I lost a piece of my heart in more ways than one. This is what’s true for me…every experience in life occurs, as it should. There are no mistakes or accidents. I know that in the end it was what had to be done. No one is immune to problems and tragedies. You have to celebrate life in all its ups and downs it is a part of what makes us who we are in life.

I sat today and watched and looked at every video and picture of my children. I am beyond blessed to be a mother to my kids. They are the sole most greatest achievements in my life. Who knows, maybe I am not done having children in this life. If I am ever blessed with more children I know it would bring nothing but happiness to my life. 

To Have

I am a very up front and truthful person. But there is someone that I am not honest with, and that is myself. I am a push over. Especially when it comes to men. I let a man take over my world when I got married and I missed out on time with my loved ones and wasn't strong enough to stand up for myself. I know I deserve to be put on a pedestal , but yet I convince myself that it's ok to be put on shelf . It's hard to feel like I'm actually worth to have somebody love me. Not just love me, but the kind of love that has no limits, no walls, trust, and just pure happiness. I can be honest and say that I feel like broken goods. It's hard to maintain a "I'm good enough" attitude with so many put downs, people testing waters now a days, having people in others business, and the inability to hold a relationship. I turn 28 this year. I have had an eventful 28 years of living. I have moved a million places. I have met my share of different people through doing shows. I had 4 beautiful children. I got married. I got divorced. I have taken all the good things out of life, and I have experienced the bad. But I can be honest with myself and know that I want to have someone that cares about me enough to make sure my day is going well, to have someone be happy to tell me hat they love me, and most importantly to have someone around who makes me happy. You don't need titles to have that. So there's no more time for a pity party. I think it's time to grow up.