2012

2012 is coming to an end soon and what better way to remember this year than by blogging it. This year has probably been the most challenging yet a year full of blessings. I have many obstacles I need to face and overcome, but I would have to say I have the best support system right now in my life to help me through it all. My children are my biggest inspirations. They get me through everyday. I am barely functional at the end of the day but I make it. All because they are the light of my world. I am trying to be the best mommy I can be right now. I don't know how my mom did it all those years by herself. I am in awe of how strong she was, through everything that me and my siblings had put her through. She is truly my hero. I don't think I have ever been so close to my siblings. They are my breath of fresh air and headache at the same time. I love that I can turn to them when I need something and they will gladly help me without a second thought. I got to spend my time with my extended family this year. From trips to our family reunion, we all got to see each other and my kids were able to meet a lot of their aunties and uncles that they have never met before. This year has taught me the importance of family and their role in my life. I will never take for granted the time that we have on this earth with them. My friends! What can I say, from old to new founded friendships. You guys make my life so much more interesting. I don't know what I would do without my long talks and short weekends with you. I'm sure your shoulders are exhausted from being there for me to cry on. My life would never be the same without your love and support. This year was challenging. Next year will be a success! I love you all! Let us end 2012 with a bang!!

Love

My heart is open to love, beyond any hate or fear...In fact, my heart is open even to those who disrespect others and reject the Good. I’m afraid to give you my all, I’m afraid to love you completely. But the truth is I have give you my all, And I do love you completely there is no other person I want more than I want you.. and the reason it always comes down to losing you is because I’m so deeply afraid of losing you.Maybe it’s the way you grab my hand and hold it… or the way you kiss me… or maybe it’s the way you let me put my arms around you… maybe it’s the way you look at me… and your smile just makes me melt… maybe it’s the way we can text for hours about absolutely nothing but I still feel like I just had the best conversation of my whole life… maybe it’s the way that I want to break down and cry when I think about how you hold me up on a pedestal… maybe that’s it… that makes me want you so much.. maybe that’s what makes me miss you so much.. maybe that’s why I’m so afraid of losing you.. maybe your my world.. maybe when you touch me, hold me, look at me, even when your around me I’m happy maybe you are just the most amazing thing in the world.. maybe I love you with all my heart..The truth is you make me happy.. I fall more in love with you every day (:

*Sigh* To feel that would be the best thing in the world to me. Everyone deserves love and to be loved. 

Life Experiences....

For people who don't know I have been separated for about 9 months now. This is the most challenging, hardest, emotionally draining thing that I have ever had to go through in my life. I look back at the last 6 years that I have been married and think to myself about the good and bad times I have had. People have their assumptions on what happened in my marriage or why I am separated. When it comes down to everything, things just didn't work out between me and my husband. As much as I see people wanting to blame it on other factors that they think they know, it's just that we don't see eye to eye on things. If i could go back and change what and where rich and I went wrong I would. People can't change the past. We can only change what is going to happen in the future. Don't be mistaken. I will always love the father of my children. I have watched my children go through such a big transformation in the past 9 months. They have blossomed in personality, but they still have days and moments where I can see this separation having an impact on them. It hurts my heart to see them go through something like this. When your younger and you think about getting married you never would think about getting divorced. Coming from divorced parents I can assure you this is not something I ever wanted let alone ever wanted my children to go through. 

Having my family and friends around throughout all this has been such a relief. Not having to do ll of this on my own has made me appreciate the people I have in my life now. My family has been my biggest supporters in my everyday decisions for my family. Without my mom, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, nieces, and nephews I don't know where I would be today. Juggling a job and kids is such a challenge and they are the ones who help me every step of the way. Having my grandma's grave so close so I can visit and talk to her has been such a blessing to me. That is one thing I regret, is the fact that my children didn't get to know their grandma Tilini while she was alive. Those are things you cannot take back. I would never take away the chance for my children to feel and know the love that their family has for them. I can say that I have the best friends in my life right now. I couldn't ask for anything better then having a friend who is always there when I need them to talk to.  My long phone calls and nights out with them lightens my load. 

So the question is.... What is my next step? There is nothing more I want then to make all the money in the world and take care of my kids. *haha Since I can't make ALL the money in the world I have to settle with my little job, and living with the BEST Uncle in the world ;) Don't take your marriage, family, or friends for granted you never know when one of them will be gone forever. So from here on, I am gonna continue and finish my schooling and take everyday one step at a time. Loving and holding my children every step of the way. I know that everything will turn out for the best.

Friendships

The world is at peace when I spend my time with you. My heartache and pain put me in a mode that I never thought I would overcome. Then you came. I will always love our long talks, long walks, and everything in between. I’m extremely appreciative of you. You help mold me into a more sensible person as well as a better friend. You defiantly expanded my horizons and introduced me to many positive things. We have a special friendship. I don't know how it got its start, but its warmth dwells within my heart. 

Bingham High School SUCKS

So check this out. My little cousin Seilose is a sophomore at Bingham High School. She was the top debater for the debate team. She had a 4.0 GPA, and a straight A student. She was accused of changing her grades in her math class. The day after she was accused her math teacher (Mrs. Boucher) went on maternity leave. the administration for Bingham asked her to try to prove that she did not changer grades on the computer. Thank goodness Seilose keeps every single thing that she has, because she had her paper copies of her test and they all matched her grades on the computer that she supposedly changed. The administration, Mr. Hicks and Mrs. Gentry, did NOT do anything about her proof. Instead they said that they are going to wait until her teacher comes back from maternity leave. But while they are waiting the school still decided to strip her from all her titles and not let her run for class president for next year. While all of this is going on she has received 2 letters in her locker and 3 emails form someone in the school confessing that they changed her grades and calling her names and telling her they wished she was dead. The letters expressed that they were upset with Seilose for running for president and later letters showed their satisfaction of her not being able to run. She has taken these letters and emails to the administration and they said that they are not going to do anything about it because she could be writing herself these emails and letters. Its sad to see a school be like this. I have gone up there to check the cameras for myself but no luck was there. The police ( Officer Clark ) won't help and the Principle will not pursue anything with these letters because he says they are not threatening. They are pathetic. Two other students have come to other admins and told them they suspected a specific girl name Jessica Vanderkooi of writing the emails because of a piece of paper they found at her desk in class that said the exact same thing verbatim on the emails. They just say that it is a coincidence. I cannot begin to tell you the frustrations that we have been going through with this situation. Nobody is trying to help with anything about the letters and the false accusations of her cheating. So if anyone has any ideas or knows anybody that will listen to us! Let me know!! Thank you for reading!

Question....

Are you missing your sweetheart? You may be thinking of him/her as he/she is now not with you. He/she is far away from you and you are missing each moment, each phase of life once you spent with each other. Its hard to stop your heart and eyes crying and looking for only one glance of your lover. I miss you constantly… all the time. It doesn’t pass. I wish it does… I usually take a moment waiting for it to pass. I try turning my attention to something else. I work, I write, I run, I exhaust myself to the point of helplessness just as so I will not have enough energy or time to miss you. But it just won’t go away. It takes over or co-exist with everything else inside or positions itself in between everything else. But it doesn’t go away. I have never missed anyone this much that it makes my body ache literally. I tried crying. Tears have a magical way of allowing people to feel a little better under different circumstances. That’s useless too. I cry myself to sleep or I cry in the middle of work and I still would miss you with the same intensity, with the same passion, with the same pain. It’s just way too deep that even tears can’t reach it. Relationships are very rarely "perfect" and they are always going to have some issues that develop depending on place, and situation, but many times, what it takes is communication and the mutual effort to work on "things". This brings me to my point: I'm torn. There is a question that needs answering here … and it is not "do you make me happy" but rather: Being that relationships are never easy, am I worth the effort? Are we worth the effort?

Family Time

These past few weeks have been exciting for my little family. We took a trip to Pittsburgh to celebrate Easter and my birthday! I turned 26 (I am getting old :( )  

I spent my birthday with so many people that I love. It has been so far the best birthday for a long time. 

 

We came home for a few days then took a last minute family trip to Disney World in Florida. It was my kids first time to ever be there. They had a blast! They lasted from 11a.m to 11:30p.m. They were such troopers and got to meet and see some of their favorite Disney characters.  

 

 It was Deuce's 6th birthday. That is why we spent it in Florida. But we also celebrated it when we got back home to Utah. We continued our family time at a movie. Which I fell asleep from all the traveling that day! I couldn't have asked for a better 6th birthday for my big boy.

 Now we are back to reality, and things are as they were before our trips and fun. Missing things that I used to have and then some. It has been such a great experience for my kids to see everyone happy and for me to see my kids happy! I am a BIG joker about serious things and situations that I am in, but no matter what life throws at me I will always have them. Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.