To Give Thanks

This Thanksgiving season, next to my appreciation and love for my Heavenly Father, I am especially thankful for my 4 children that hold the biggest part of my heart. Each of my children brings a special flavor to our home, to make it what it is, and to make it what I love. I am thankful for their uplifting spirits and their pure outlook on the everyday struggles that are presented to our family. 

I am thankful for my family! The numerous people in my life, who encourage and motivate me to live life with love and without regret. By your lives, your words and your examples, you challenge me to set one foot in front of the other when I am afraid of failure, rejection, or judgment and human nature makes me feel like giving up.

 Other than my family, nothing is more important than the loyal friends that I have been blessed with. You are the people who make my life more functional and more enjoyable. I have unconditional love for you all that have made the choice to be in my life and continue to be the amazing individuals that I look up to. 

Dealing

Every other weekend, summer vacation, alternating holidays... do you guys recognize this? Welcome to the life of custody arrangements.

I have been sharing custody of my 4 children for a while now and I feel like it should be somehow getting easier, but it’s not. Every time they leave me I go down this very sad path and am snappy and depressed and I just feel like a half of a person. There are no words to describe the aching of joint custody. You just can't know unless you have experienced it. I truly believe that joint custody does not serve the children. It is a cop out for the courts so that they can feel they have been "unbiased". I am a strong believer of relationships with both parents. I just feel there are better ways to accomplish that. It's like they are little drifters going from "moms" to "dads". It breaks my heart over and over that they rarely say home. Decision making is a horrendous. Consistency is nonexistent. There seems to be no way to protect them from the sorrow, even if you put on a brave face on transfer days they seem to feel your pain, probably because they feel it too.

My children and I have a very strong bond. Especially my oldest son. When he leaves to his dad I go that snappy, depressed stage. I just can’t help my eyes tearing up even though I try my best to hide what I’m feeling. When he comes back to my house it is like reprogramming to what he has been used to the first 6 years of his life. Trying to get things back to normal as much as I can. All of you that live without your children for these little spurts of time know exactly what that feels like. Its heart wrenching and very hard to cope with. I'm not always good at handling my life when my children aren't around - my heart aches for them, literally. Some things in life we don't want or choose and separation/divorce brings about conditions that we may not like. Anything can be rewritten, but right now we have no choice unfortunately - it’s a case of making the very best out of a bad job and I believe most parents have a remarkable capacity to do just that.

To Date Or Not To Date

So when my divorce was finalized, the insight of my new-found freedom came rushing up on me like a huge wave in the ocean plowing over me. That alone was a lot to adjust to. But now that I have settled into my new status as a single woman, the next question isn't easy, either. How soon is too soon to start dating again? Timelines can be hard to pilot. Even if my relationship with my ex was off-key for years, I’m worried that eyebrows will lift if I start talking with another guy too soon after the ink dries on my divorce papers. My family and friends, especially my children, can be critical and hurt by my decision to date sooner than they are ready. Yet, I decided that just even THINKING to "get out there" and date was only because I wanted to perceive myself as a strong, fearless woman. And trying to do this I am attempting to face my fears head on. Having my self-esteem battered and beaten, and thinking I’m not capable to withstand rejection, poorliness, and shadiness, I have yet figured out that I have an issue. My failed marriage has taught me a strong lesson. I've been stung pretty viciously by the experience of love lost and possibly finding it again, so I promised myself that I am going to really take the time to heal. To discover and improve who I am without a partner. To accept my losses. To stop being so judgmental towards myself. To comprehend that there is no certainty in life. And that yes, I will love again - and someone will love me as I deserve.

Because the truth of the matter is, it is rough. I want to feel wanted. Loved. Cared for. I miss cuddling. Kissing. Someone who tells me "good night" before turning out the lights. At times, it feels piercing not to have those things, but I know I shouldn’t try to force it before I’m ready. It's important to be okay with sleeping in bed alone. With having a life and an identity of my own. For me to be a whole person before going out there and connecting with someone else. As I see it, dating before I’m healed seems like it will damage my sense of self.  And let's be honest, the trauma of divorce/separation extinguishes your sense of self, along with your hopes and dreams.

I can't tell you how long I would have to wait to do this. My only guess is as long as it takes. I am hoping that if I do, I am going to attract someone who will mirror the love I have for myself  and give them in return.

Everything Works

 

 

So as you can tell I have had plenty time to continue blogging at a steady pace. I never realized how much I have stored in my mind and how therapeutic is was to just write about it. Writing has always been something that I did, but only in my journals when I was a teenager. I guess when you get older you graduate from little notebooks to write in to blogging on the net. I have found that this life is beating me down every day. But I take a step forward and push past the difficulties. I wait for the opportunity of a new day. Yes, it hurts terribly, but I’d rather get beat down and pick myself up than never enjoy the fall. I do honestly believe that people enter our lives for a reason. That everyone who I meet, who has formed an imprint in our lives has something to teach us. Everything that happens to me is an experience, and because of that it can never be bad. It can only be good because it helps to mold the person that I am, and the person that I become. Hope is a big driving factor in my life. It makes me feel as though it just comes and goes, when in reality it is always there. Everyone hopes that there is a chance that something else will happen, you just need to have faith that it will.

Hope, deceitful as it is, serves at least to lead us to the end of our lives by an agreeable route.  ~François Duc de La Rochefoucauld

There is no person that was made to handle every punch that is thrown at them. We were made to get upset, sad, hurt, and tumble.  It is my experience that we aren’t supposed to be able to handle everything. I find that some days I do not want to do anything but lie in bed. I want to get away from everything and sleep it off.  Getting up on those days and fighting that feeling off is the best thing to do because it only makes me stronger. Having something push me out of bed, motivates me to start my day.  I have asked myself, “Have you ever met someone who has changed your life?”  Yes! And they make me realize that every thought I ever had about life and myself, has changed … the way I look at life and people and even breathe. It’s like that whole time I was hiding until that person came into my world and suddenly everything was different. They somehow made it possible to trust again. And show me that not everyone is going to stare me in the face and lie. But they helped me realize that not everyone is going to hurt me. Every single second brings a new beginning, every single hour embraces a new promise, when we dream; our dreams bring hope, and when we awaken; every day is what you choose to make it. So today, make the choice to be happy.

*Truth*Love*

I know I have not been blogging lately. Even when I was blogging I was not the best at keeping it up on a daily basis. I think on daily about my life and how things got the way that they are right now. I try to give myself advice on self worth, trust, love, and everything that comes in that package. So this is my conclusion on it all.

 

When you give more thought to what someone else thinks or says over what you believe and know to be true for you, you're abandoning your personal power. I believe in seeking advice from people in areas that I have limited know how, this habit has benefited me towards accomplishing particular goals. However, I still have to consider the consequences of taking their advice over what I may have originally considered to be the best thing for the situation. I will still be responsible for the outcome. Developing trust in your inner voice requires that you begin to develop better decision making skills. This requires that you begin to make small decisions and consider the outcome of the results on a regular basis. As you start a pattern of making small choices that lead to desired results, become mindful of the thought process that you engaged to come to the decision; trust yourself and you will learn to trust others.

 

It is easy for some people to feel frustrated when loving but not being loved in return. I feel empty once my love is not reciprocated because I am expecting other people to fill that emptiness. However, this is not how life works. I have learned that I should not depend on love from someone else. Instead, love should begin from within. Blessings come in different forms. People should not compare what they have with what others possess. Instead, appreciate the blessings. Everyone has his or her ups and downs. Everything happens for a reason. Most people have difficulty in letting go of the past. Accept everything that has happened, both the good and the bad. Everyone deserves a fresh start.

Choices

In the past, people I've met have sometimes been feelers or logicians. These are folk who either "feel" everything or "think (use logic)" about everything. They seem VERY much to support one or the other and they insist that you do, as well.

Such people are not all that smart, I've discovered. The reason is that they too often are led astray because they are choosing to ignore one of the two human ways of knowing. These ways are feelings and logic (thinking.) I have also noted that such folks don't seem to recognize the fact that both of these means can be wrong.

So what do I recommend? I say you should choose the right means of knowing something. If you want to know how you feel, then feel. If you want to analyze, then think.

Love Your Friends

I have come to learn that you cannot always be there for people. Trying to be a good friend has been a 

challenge. I like to think that I have been the best friend to my little circle of friends that I have. We are 

works in process and continually changing throughout life. There are friendships that belong in 

different places and at different times, with different versions of who we are. To demand that a 

friendship continues past its rightful time can be an attempt to turn it into something it isn't, which is to 

take away from what it is. Sometimes the only way to get to have a forever friendship is to let it go in 

the form that it was and allow it to take on the form that it needs to be -- all the while holding it steady 

in your heart.We don't have the happiness always residing beside us and the sadness to also never 

separate from us. We should stick by our friends side. We should always have them in our lives so we 

can share whatever with them, always keep them in our hearts forever.

Loving someone is never wrong .It's a great and amazing thing to love and be loved. Why would it be 

wrong? To love your best friend is such a great power among us all. Trusting, caring, and being there

 for each other is apart love. Never put down love, it's the way we evolve and become stronger and to 

know there's always that one special friend by your side, well that is apart LOVE. 

(love is a hard emotion to define)

Truth...

So it has been since the beginning of the year since I have updated my blog on whats going on in my life. I know you all were just DYING to know. HAHA This year has been probably the most testing and challenging year so far for me. I thought last year took the cake, but I was totally wrong. I don't think anything has tested my faith and my patience as much as this year has. EVER!! There are things/people that make me the happiest person. Too bad those things and people just like to stay anonymous in my life. I respect that in some events... others not so much. Hey what can you do? My family has been the best supporters so far. I recently left my uncles house and I can't express how much I miss my uncle, aunt and my nieces. There is not a day that passes where I wish I was around them 24/7. They have been my rock for the past year. I guess people have to grow up sometimes. I have made the greatest friend I could ask for this past year. I stay grounded and sane because of that.

My days are empty without my kids. I find myself sitting at home not wanting to do anything with my time outside of my household with out them. I count down the minutes until they are back from their dads house. and the weekends he has them makes it feel like forever. They are the only hope I have in my life at the moment. Everything I do I do for my children. I wish I could be half the woman my mother was being a single mom and raising all of us. Still to this day taking care of all of us. 

My faith has dwindled and hope is fading. I can be honest and say I am sure I do not try as hard as my am able to. My long talks with my aunt opens my eyes to how much I have taken for granted and how much I feel sorry for myself for not living up to the expectations of myself. Everyone needs that one person who doesn't cater to your feelings and just tells you what you need to hear to get your butt into gear. How many times does she have to kick me in the butt to get my crap into gear. The people close to me usual know how strong I am. But I think I put up a good front just to keep from the lectures. I especially love my kids and family and unconditional love my few friends with everything that I have. Bear with me my loved ones. I will get my act together.

Ofa Atu

New Year

*Sigh* So the new year is here and it is time for everyone to make resolutions that they will most likely break within the first week of trying them. I can't say much has changed from last year, except for the last number of the year. I made no resolutions this year, because all I am striving to do is make this year better then last. I think that, that is a resolution?? Thanks to my family and my close friends I am 100% sure I can make that happen this year. So go out there a strive for a better year!!!!