Loyal

Expecting me to be and do the things that I expect of others, is something that’s stopped me from driving myself batty, but it’s also been a really helpful indicator of where I need to step back. In the past, I’ve shown an alarming lack of loyalty to myself while at the same time continuing to engage with certain people out of what I believed at the time were my show of loyalty and devotion. Of course this type of double-edged pledging of allegiance, where you effectively keep throwing you under a bus for someone who isn’t even on the same proverbial road as you or who will throw you back under that said bus because they don’t acknowledge, respect, or even desire that loyalty, is exactly how I ended up feeling deeply compromised and rejected. It would hurt that I could go to those lengths and I still couldn’t change them or get their loyalty.

Don’t mistake being willing to compromise the essence of who you are and even your willingness to endanger your emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual wellbeing, for loyalty and devotion.
Loyalty isn’t the same as not having boundaries and tuning out of shady behaviour and situations.Loyalty, that sense of where we consistently communicate and demonstrate our strong feelings of support, needs a foundation of reality and at the very least, acknowledgement, care, trust, and respect. On both sides.

Loyalty is something that happens over time and with experience. Like trust, it needs to be increased on the basis of supporting evidence, not increased to make up for the decrease in your sense of self or the decrease in their contribution to what should be a mutual relationship, romantic and otherwise. Just as meeting breaches of trust with more trust, is a recipe for pain, so is giving away loyalty without due diligence.

It’s the whole giving out what we want to get back. The trouble is, we confuse what we’re doing with what it actually is. If we’re not being loyal and we’re actually engaging unhealthily, it’s unrealistic to expect that what will be sent back is going to be healthy – that would be to ignore the reality of the situation.

It hurts when we’ve been loyal to someone and they betray us.It hurts when our loyalty is taken for us being a sucker.It hurts when, OK, yes we clearly have some things that we need to address within ourselves but our desire to love and be loved is met with cruelty.It also hurts when we take another person’s betrayal and then we judge ourselves for them having done so.

Loyalty is a decision and the choice and actions to continue need to be conscious ones. As always with anything to do with people-pleasing, it’s not about what we do but why we do it. Being loyal is a great quality – it just needs to be channelled appropriately.

We continue to put forward our brand of loyalty and devotion even when that person is disloyal or just not even there, because we believe that what we’re doing can, will, and should be able to influence that person’s feelings and behaviour. It’s the whole being and doing certain things with an awareness of what we feel that we deserve and then in recognising that it’s not happening, blaming us for not being “good enough” when we really should be asking ourselves, who and what we’re being loyal to. And of course it’s going to provoke our sense of entitlement because realistically speaking, who doesn’t expect a little respect and acknowledgement for their support?

People who need integrity, love, care, trust, respect and the intrinsic value and authenticity of a mutual relationship, don’t reward your loyalty with disrespect, derision, or betrayal. They don’t. If anything, they defend their values and identity with consistent and authentic actions and words because they value what it was that communicated to you and others that support was and is a good investment. They’re also highly unlikely to want be in a situation where you’re doggedly loyal due to lack self-love, because it’s not love.

Being loyal is a quality that you should value, both within you and others, but don’t mix it up with servitude (being completely subject to someone more powerful) and investing you in dodgy activities as a means of avoiding dealing with yourself.If you’re getting hurt by your loyalty and devotion to someone, it’s time to acknowledge that you do rightly expect to be respected and acknowledged, but this is not the situation or the person where that is happening.

Was it one-sided? Sometimes you can be so busy being loyal and essentially overcompensating for the other party, that you don’t realise how little they actually do in your relationship until you actually have a need and you’re left hanging.

Embrace and channel your ability to be loyal in a positive way. Giving your loyalty to people who don’t know their arse from their elbow, is a misappropriation of this quality and the beauty you have within to feel connected with people. Ultimately, loyalty starts at home. Don’t go giving it away until you know that you unquestionably have your own back.

Count Your Blessings

Challenges, trials, tribulations are nothing but another day for me. My faith has been tested repeatedly along with my patience. Today was a big trial for me to overcome. I made the decision a few weeks ago to not search for other solutions to a problem of mine. After a a couple months of opinions I moved forward with a very complicated decision of my own. (Yes I'm being very vague) I lost a piece of my heart in more ways than one. This is what’s true for me…every experience in life occurs, as it should. There are no mistakes or accidents. I know that in the end it was what had to be done. No one is immune to problems and tragedies. You have to celebrate life in all its ups and downs it is a part of what makes us who we are in life.

I sat today and watched and looked at every video and picture of my children. I am beyond blessed to be a mother to my kids. They are the sole most greatest achievements in my life. Who knows, maybe I am not done having children in this life. If I am ever blessed with more children I know it would bring nothing but happiness to my life. 

To Have

I am a very up front and truthful person. But there is someone that I am not honest with, and that is myself. I am a push over. Especially when it comes to men. I let a man take over my world when I got married and I missed out on time with my loved ones and wasn't strong enough to stand up for myself. I know I deserve to be put on a pedestal , but yet I convince myself that it's ok to be put on shelf . It's hard to feel like I'm actually worth to have somebody love me. Not just love me, but the kind of love that has no limits, no walls, trust, and just pure happiness. I can be honest and say that I feel like broken goods. It's hard to maintain a "I'm good enough" attitude with so many put downs, people testing waters now a days, having people in others business, and the inability to hold a relationship. I turn 28 this year. I have had an eventful 28 years of living. I have moved a million places. I have met my share of different people through doing shows. I had 4 beautiful children. I got married. I got divorced. I have taken all the good things out of life, and I have experienced the bad. But I can be honest with myself and know that I want to have someone that cares about me enough to make sure my day is going well, to have someone be happy to tell me hat they love me, and most importantly to have someone around who makes me happy. You don't need titles to have that. So there's no more time for a pity party. I think it's time to grow up. 

To Give Thanks

This Thanksgiving season, next to my appreciation and love for my Heavenly Father, I am especially thankful for my 4 children that hold the biggest part of my heart. Each of my children brings a special flavor to our home, to make it what it is, and to make it what I love. I am thankful for their uplifting spirits and their pure outlook on the everyday struggles that are presented to our family. 

I am thankful for my family! The numerous people in my life, who encourage and motivate me to live life with love and without regret. By your lives, your words and your examples, you challenge me to set one foot in front of the other when I am afraid of failure, rejection, or judgment and human nature makes me feel like giving up.

 Other than my family, nothing is more important than the loyal friends that I have been blessed with. You are the people who make my life more functional and more enjoyable. I have unconditional love for you all that have made the choice to be in my life and continue to be the amazing individuals that I look up to. 

Dealing

Every other weekend, summer vacation, alternating holidays... do you guys recognize this? Welcome to the life of custody arrangements.

I have been sharing custody of my 4 children for a while now and I feel like it should be somehow getting easier, but it’s not. Every time they leave me I go down this very sad path and am snappy and depressed and I just feel like a half of a person. There are no words to describe the aching of joint custody. You just can't know unless you have experienced it. I truly believe that joint custody does not serve the children. It is a cop out for the courts so that they can feel they have been "unbiased". I am a strong believer of relationships with both parents. I just feel there are better ways to accomplish that. It's like they are little drifters going from "moms" to "dads". It breaks my heart over and over that they rarely say home. Decision making is a horrendous. Consistency is nonexistent. There seems to be no way to protect them from the sorrow, even if you put on a brave face on transfer days they seem to feel your pain, probably because they feel it too.

My children and I have a very strong bond. Especially my oldest son. When he leaves to his dad I go that snappy, depressed stage. I just can’t help my eyes tearing up even though I try my best to hide what I’m feeling. When he comes back to my house it is like reprogramming to what he has been used to the first 6 years of his life. Trying to get things back to normal as much as I can. All of you that live without your children for these little spurts of time know exactly what that feels like. Its heart wrenching and very hard to cope with. I'm not always good at handling my life when my children aren't around - my heart aches for them, literally. Some things in life we don't want or choose and separation/divorce brings about conditions that we may not like. Anything can be rewritten, but right now we have no choice unfortunately - it’s a case of making the very best out of a bad job and I believe most parents have a remarkable capacity to do just that.

To Date Or Not To Date

So when my divorce was finalized, the insight of my new-found freedom came rushing up on me like a huge wave in the ocean plowing over me. That alone was a lot to adjust to. But now that I have settled into my new status as a single woman, the next question isn't easy, either. How soon is too soon to start dating again? Timelines can be hard to pilot. Even if my relationship with my ex was off-key for years, I’m worried that eyebrows will lift if I start talking with another guy too soon after the ink dries on my divorce papers. My family and friends, especially my children, can be critical and hurt by my decision to date sooner than they are ready. Yet, I decided that just even THINKING to "get out there" and date was only because I wanted to perceive myself as a strong, fearless woman. And trying to do this I am attempting to face my fears head on. Having my self-esteem battered and beaten, and thinking I’m not capable to withstand rejection, poorliness, and shadiness, I have yet figured out that I have an issue. My failed marriage has taught me a strong lesson. I've been stung pretty viciously by the experience of love lost and possibly finding it again, so I promised myself that I am going to really take the time to heal. To discover and improve who I am without a partner. To accept my losses. To stop being so judgmental towards myself. To comprehend that there is no certainty in life. And that yes, I will love again - and someone will love me as I deserve.

Because the truth of the matter is, it is rough. I want to feel wanted. Loved. Cared for. I miss cuddling. Kissing. Someone who tells me "good night" before turning out the lights. At times, it feels piercing not to have those things, but I know I shouldn’t try to force it before I’m ready. It's important to be okay with sleeping in bed alone. With having a life and an identity of my own. For me to be a whole person before going out there and connecting with someone else. As I see it, dating before I’m healed seems like it will damage my sense of self.  And let's be honest, the trauma of divorce/separation extinguishes your sense of self, along with your hopes and dreams.

I can't tell you how long I would have to wait to do this. My only guess is as long as it takes. I am hoping that if I do, I am going to attract someone who will mirror the love I have for myself  and give them in return.

Everything Works

 

 

So as you can tell I have had plenty time to continue blogging at a steady pace. I never realized how much I have stored in my mind and how therapeutic is was to just write about it. Writing has always been something that I did, but only in my journals when I was a teenager. I guess when you get older you graduate from little notebooks to write in to blogging on the net. I have found that this life is beating me down every day. But I take a step forward and push past the difficulties. I wait for the opportunity of a new day. Yes, it hurts terribly, but I’d rather get beat down and pick myself up than never enjoy the fall. I do honestly believe that people enter our lives for a reason. That everyone who I meet, who has formed an imprint in our lives has something to teach us. Everything that happens to me is an experience, and because of that it can never be bad. It can only be good because it helps to mold the person that I am, and the person that I become. Hope is a big driving factor in my life. It makes me feel as though it just comes and goes, when in reality it is always there. Everyone hopes that there is a chance that something else will happen, you just need to have faith that it will.

Hope, deceitful as it is, serves at least to lead us to the end of our lives by an agreeable route.  ~François Duc de La Rochefoucauld

There is no person that was made to handle every punch that is thrown at them. We were made to get upset, sad, hurt, and tumble.  It is my experience that we aren’t supposed to be able to handle everything. I find that some days I do not want to do anything but lie in bed. I want to get away from everything and sleep it off.  Getting up on those days and fighting that feeling off is the best thing to do because it only makes me stronger. Having something push me out of bed, motivates me to start my day.  I have asked myself, “Have you ever met someone who has changed your life?”  Yes! And they make me realize that every thought I ever had about life and myself, has changed … the way I look at life and people and even breathe. It’s like that whole time I was hiding until that person came into my world and suddenly everything was different. They somehow made it possible to trust again. And show me that not everyone is going to stare me in the face and lie. But they helped me realize that not everyone is going to hurt me. Every single second brings a new beginning, every single hour embraces a new promise, when we dream; our dreams bring hope, and when we awaken; every day is what you choose to make it. So today, make the choice to be happy.